Sign

Horoscope

"So my arguments for astrology won't convince you, eh? Well, of course! That is...

"... because you think you know better than other people, like every Aries."

"... because you're stubborn, like every Taurus."

"... because, being a Gemini, you don't have the patience to properly consider what I'm telling you."

"... because, like every Cancer, you don't like to be contradicted."

"... because you are dogmatic, like every Leo."

"... because, like every Virgo, it's hard for you to reach a conclusion, even when you have all the data."

"... because, being a Libra, you can't bring yourself to accept new things easily."

"... because you're arrogant, like every Scorpio."

"... because, being a Sagittarius, you are shallow and can't see the profound implications of issues."

"... because, being a Capricorn, you prefer traditional beliefs."

"... because you like to contradict other people, like every Aquarius."

"... because you don't assume reality, like every Pisces."

"See? Your attitude matches your sign perfectly!

Influence

"The Moon causes tides in the ocean, and human beings are mostly water. So, it makes sense to claim that planets have an effect on our luck."

"But tides are a side effect of gravity, which is a property of every object with mass, not just planets. Right now this table is exerting on us a tidal force much greater than the Moon's."

"It's scientific!"

Lucky table. $1,999.95

Natal chart

"Your astrological survey is ready, my dear! Venus tells me that you suffered from unrequited love when you were a young girl, but eventually you got over it. You're not totally happy with your job, but it gives you great satisfaction sometimes. You have some hidden talents many people know nothing abou—"

"Hey, you're telling me a lot of vague things that could be said of anyone. There's nothing specific about me!"

"Oh... Well... Well, how do you expect planets to be able to tell people apart from as far away as they are? Come on, my dear, let's be serious here!"

Help from above

Libra: Celestial bodies will clear your path to love and workplace progress today.

"Yeah, right..."

"Poor Johnson. What an awful, unlikely way to die. Oh, well... Smith, starting tomorrow you have his job. Meanwhile, take the day off and go console the widow."