To the last consequences

Razor

"Never attribute to stupidity that which can make you feel smarter than other people to attribute to malice."

Villains

Performance assessment

"During your tenure, your apartment's numbers have climbed over seven billion. I'm afraid the New World Order will have to relieve you of your responsibilities as vice-president of world population reduction."

"Aawww..."

Old shoe

"Pst! Pal!"

"Huh? Me?"

"Are you interested in buying this old shoe for all the money you're carrying?"

"Er... I don't think..."

"'They' don't want you to have the shoe."

"Oh, yeah? Give me that!"

Illuminati

Temperature

The terrible truth

"Don't you see what's happening? Don't you see you're all slaves? There's an elite manipulating world events to keep us submissive! Stop ignoring the terrible truth! Open your eyes and face it!"

"But... What if you're wrong? What if there's no one at the top with that kind of control? What if things happen for reasons more complicated than "evil people rule the earth"? What if the world is a chaotic mess with no master plan to it?"

Costamaranda

"This little island, along with its adjacent islets and the sea around them, is the Independent Republic of Costamaranda. Port Chifulca is its capital and only major city.

"This little known country will soon be featured in news reports around the world because of a bloody coup d'etat led by General Efigio Zamuldano. Of course, no one will know we are behind it.

"Under Zamuldano's regime, the citizens of Costamaranda will be forced to wear the left shoe on the right foot and vice versa. Parting one's hair will be punishable with imprisonment for life without trial. Whistling, wearing digital wristwatches and sanding wood before painting it will be crimes against the state. Newspapers will be barred from using open vowels on Tuesdays."

"This is madness! What will we get out from that?"

"A priceless political standard. We'll be able to run our countries in any way we like and claim that it's not a dictatorship as long as it's not like Costamaranda."

Reptilians

"We're accused of dominating the world, of causing wars, of drinking blood... We're tired of being defamed! It's time for our voice to be heard!" "We don't disguise ourselves as humans to deceive anyone! We do it because we are afraid!" NO MORE ANTI-REPTILIANISM LIZARD PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO

New World Order

"Why is there still democracy? Why are there still sovereign nation-states? Our global dictatorship was supposed to be announced today!" "Something terrible happened, my lord. #StopNewWorldOrder is trending on Twitter!" "NOOOO!"

HAARP

"The antenna array emits mind control waves that turn the population of the target area homosexual. The heinous sin of sodomy enrages God, who then sends earthquakes and hurricanes to manifest His anger. Devilishly simple, as you can see." "Oooh!" "Aaah!"

Chemtrails

"See? Just as I told you! They are spraying us with substances that turn us irrational and paranoid!"

Expert opinion

"Well, doctor, what can you tell us about the possibility that this earthquake was caused deliberately using nuclear weapons?"

"Well... We have to consider that an earthquake of this magnitude releases much more energy than any known weapon. So—"

"You heard it, friends! A scientist says that superpowers have incredible powerful nukes they tell us nothing about! What else are they hiding from us?"

"Hey!"

Nonconformity

Dedicated to all the bleach connoisseurs in the world. Cheers!

"We need your help. Apologists for alternative medicine are damaging our obscene profit margins."

"Don't worry. After our next press release, the problem will solve itself."

"Health authorities warn that smoking dynamite has no therapeutic effects and can be dangerous."

"Oh, yeah? We'll show them!"

Suspicious

"There goes the super-fast train. It carries hundreds of passengers. At that speed, not one would survive in case of a wreck. However, there has never been a wreck in all the decades the train has been in service. Never! Do you understand that? Not a single incident in decades! Does that sound normal to you? There's something fishy going on!"

"What's your point?"

"It's a conspiracy by life insurance companies."

"Uh-huh."

The true history

"Ha ha! I sailed West to the Indies and proved the scientific dogma wrong. I rule and you drool!"

"Not so fast, Columbus! We still have an ace up our sleeve to save face."

"... and for five centuries they have made people believe in an imaginary continent in the middle of the ocean. We are actually in China, and the China we were told about was made up by the media!"

"That has to be the third or fourth most ridiculous conspiracy theory I have ever heard."

"Of course you'll think that, sheeple. Baaaaa!"

Disclosure

Yes, I know it's not realistic. A real paranormal researcher would never link to his sources.

(And credit to Lola for suggesting the ufologist's name.)

NASA News

First images from Herbert

The space probe Herbert has entered Mars orbit this morning and is already sending pictures of the surface. Please note that these are preliminary images — definitive versions with higher resolution and no compression artifacts visible will be available at a later time.

Marvin's Mysteries

NASA ADMITS TO PHOTO MANIPULATION!

Proof of my assertions that government agencies are hiding the truth about alien presence in our Solar System has surfaced — and from the horse's mouth itself! In this document I had access to, NASA admits to manipulating space probe photos to delete artifacts visible on the surface of Mars. What are these artifacts for? They candidly tell us: they are for compression purposes. For compressing space-time to make faster-than-light travel possible, perhaps? The possibilities are overwhelming. Gotcha, NASA! How will you cover this up now?

Paranoia

YOU ARE HERE

"How can they know...? They're watching me!"

Diagnosis

"OK, genius, tell me this: if they did go to the moon, then where are the pictures of the alien buildings they found there? Why won't they show them?

"Well, Mark? Will you answer my question? Hey, Mark...

"MARK! TALK TO ME!"

"In over twenty years of practice, I have never seen a cranial X-ray like this one."

Error. Your brain has performed an invalid operation and will be shut down.