Fake

Police report

"Why do you never come here when it's other people getting robbed? Huh? I will not take your report. I am against ALL crime, not just crime that happens to be against you."

Ax murderer

Modus operandi

"What a crass method!"

Fingerprints

"Fingerprints can tell us a lot about someone! They tell us, for example, that this gentleman was involved in last week's jewelry store robbery."

Prisoner

"They locked me up because of my ideas!"

"Which ideas?"

"I had the idea of digging a tunnel to a bank's vault and emptying the safe deposit boxes."

Mugger

"Stop right there!"

"Look. It's one of those authoritarian types who won't let you choose freely between your money and your life."

"They're so nosy and meddlesome."

Thought experiment

"But what if, say, someone swallows the battery of an elderly lady's pacemaker and she'll die in thirty seconds unless someone recovers it?"

"Again, no! It's not acceptable to cut someone in half with a chainsaw!"

"You're too uncompromising."

Excuse

"My window! My TV!"

"Oh, of course! You had to go and find just another excuse to dismiss my arguments out of hand, did you?"

Unfair

"I got done for robbery. But my neighbor's the one to blame."

"How so?"

"He got something I really wanted."

Entrapment

Presents

"What do you mean I was stealing the sled? That floozy fatso is always giving things away! That means he has already consented to anyone coming along and taking whatever they want! People will know about this false theft allegation!"

Criminal

"There's nothing you can do! I injected myself with the blood serum of a diplomat! Now I've got immunity! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"You are under arrest for crimes against property, biology, semantics and common sense."

"Damn."

Provocation

"What? It's not my fault! Can't you see how she's dressed?"

"What? It's not my fault! Didn't you see she was in a demonstration?"

Rights

"Objection, Your Honor! My defendant is entitled to a fair trial and this court is clearly biased in favor of human rights."

Misunderstanding

"Freeze! Drop the fruit!"

"But—"

"Drop it! Now!"

Crime scene

"The killer knew what he was doing. The instrument was inserted at the exact acupuncture point to disrupt the vital chi flow."

"Can we bring in another coroner?"

Comments

FBI OnLine

CASE FILE # 5483217617

Crime
Murder

Victim
SCHMOE, Joseph L.

Perpetrator
Unknown

Details
Mr. Schmoe was murdered with multiple strokes of a cleaver while he was watching television. Witnesses reported having seen a tall male subject with a ski mask running away from the house at the time of the crime.

416 comments

WORST. CRIME. EVER.

This murder is idiotic. A cleaver? Come on! There are a hundred better ways to whack a dude.

O RLY? Well, if it's so easy, why don't you go out and murder someone yourself?

This person died because he failed to follow the instructions in this comment, AND NOW THAT YOU HAVE READ IT, THE SAME WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. Copy and paste this comment in three other case files, and you'll meet your true love. Otherwise, you'll find an untimely, gruesome death.

FIRST!!!!