Interpretation

"Noah, didn't God tell you, in so many words, that he was about to flood the world and you had to build an ark?"

"Yeah, but the priest told me it was all a metaphor."

Diplomacy

"While you flamboyant atheists were alienating potential allies, my respectful dealings with the Catholic Church brought some real progress for the cause."

"Really? What did you get?"

"They'll accept atheists as priests!"

Disclosure

Yes, I know it's not realistic. A real paranormal researcher would never link to his sources.

(And credit to Lola for suggesting the ufologist's name.)

NASA News

First images from Herbert

The space probe Herbert has entered Mars orbit this morning and is already sending pictures of the surface. Please note that these are preliminary images — definitive versions with higher resolution and no compression artifacts visible will be available at a later time.

Marvin's Mysteries

NASA ADMITS TO PHOTO MANIPULATION!

Proof of my assertions that government agencies are hiding the truth about alien presence in our Solar System has surfaced — and from the horse's mouth itself! In this document I had access to, NASA admits to manipulating space probe photos to delete artifacts visible on the surface of Mars. What are these artifacts for? They candidly tell us: they are for compression purposes. For compressing space-time to make faster-than-light travel possible, perhaps? The possibilities are overwhelming. Gotcha, NASA! How will you cover this up now?

His mighty rage

"Behold, man hath chosen to ignore My law and live a life of sin. Enough! Today, man shall know My wrath!"

"God wants us to stage a demonstration."

"Yahoo!"

Paranoia

YOU ARE HERE

"How can they know...? They're watching me!"

Misunderstanding

"Freeze! Drop the fruit!"

"But—"

"Drop it! Now!"

Entering

"I told you to buy the 20 meg plan, dude."

"Shut up."

The saint

(Children, don't learn your history from cartoons. No, people back then weren't executed over such simple stupidities. They were executed over much more complex, sophisticated stupidities.)

"After a long deliberation, it has been decided to use the chronopod to bring Sir Thomas More to the present. We are certain that the example set by the Church martyr and saint will strengthen the faith in these times of secularism and blasphemy."

"The Holy Bible must be in Latin! HERETICS!"

Outbreak

"How are things looking?"

"Pretty bad, sir. Contention measures have failed. The affected areas keep growing at a steady pace."

"... I see."

"It's spreading so fast! How is that possible?"

"That's modern civilization for you. Anything can go around the world in a matter of hours."

"There's a new focus in Southeast Asia, sir!"

"Another new focus near São Paulo!"

"God help us all..."

"What are the yellow spots?"

"Hm? Oh, that would be the flu."

"The fl...? What the hell is with all that red then?"

"Idiotic flu rumors."

"... Oh."