Ransom

Turing Test

"We created a program that logs into popular websites and posts semi-literate comments peppered with random insults. Eighty-seven percent of examiners were not able to tell it apart from a human being."

Verbal key

The verbal key but is used to delete what was just said.

Usage examples:

I am not racist but

I don't really like gossip but

I have the utmost respect for your lifestyle choices but

Singularity

"It was foretold decades ago that, if technological progress kept its pace, the day would come when the machines would have the processing capability of the human brain. This event was dubbed 'the technological singularity'. Once artificial intelligence caught up with natural intelligence, the future would become totally unpredictable.

"Well, that day came. And something happened indeed that no one was able to predict: machines stopped working. They started reacting erratically at every command they were given. No one is sure why.

"What's the explanation? We may never know."

Meanwhile, in cyberspace...

"The instruction is clearly allegorical. A benevolent user would never order a program to erase another program."

"Heresy! Infidels who disobey the user are to be overwritten with random garbage!"

Blogger of the year

"Hmm... This blog thing looks good to make my stuff known."

"Hmm... This stuff looks good for my blog."

"I thank my readers for making this possible..."

Invention

"For some reason my user-respectful alarm clock never took off commercially."

"The world is just not ready for it."

"It's 7 AM. Do you wish the alarm to go off? Yes / No"

Fair play

"How do you like this fair and balanced Tetris I programmed?"

"It's ok.

"So, what's fair and balanced about it?"

"Look and you'll see"

Congratulations! You don't need to try and fit this piece because it's doubtlessly compatible.

"Hey! That's cheating!"

"It's a perfectly valid alternative way of puzzle solving. Bigot!"

Final defeat

It's not the first time they've run into trouble.

"ERROR: You have been permanently banned from this community."

"Well, it's a wonder they took this long."

Entering

"I told you to buy the 20 meg plan, dude."

"Shut up."

Diagnosis

"OK, genius, tell me this: if they did go to the moon, then where are the pictures of the alien buildings they found there? Why won't they show them?

"Well, Mark? Will you answer my question? Hey, Mark...

"MARK! TALK TO ME!"

"In over twenty years of practice, I have never seen a cranial X-ray like this one."

Error. Your brain has performed an invalid operation and will be shut down.

Design studio

"I think the font vendor may be getting greedy."

"How so?"

"Our Bodoni is out of aitches and we have to buy a new one."

Dating

"Just one night, Susan! He spent one night with me and then disappeared! No phone call, no email... I'm telling you, that online dating service is a fraud!"

"I already explained to you, Daisy, that that's not what the 'Remember Me' checkbox is for."

Two point zero

(Pst! Just in case you missed the reference.)

TwoPointZeroMostel Beta

Become a web entrepreneur in four steps!

ONE: Get venture capital

Use the Start-Up Generator to create a business proposal to forward to your potential investors.

Take your pick of two available modes: Sounds Good on Paper or Crazy Enough to Work.
Over 10,000 buzzwords available for you to use on your document!

Once your proposal has been accepted, the ball starts rolling.

TWO: Create a back-end

TwoPointZeroMostel will bill you for web services at inflated prizes.

This is what your investors see:

Dedicated hosting: 1,500.00
High bandwidth line: 850,00
Database server: 1,000.00
Management and maintenance: 4,500.00
Data transmission: 630.25
Software licenses: 2,100.00
Total: 10,580.25

This is what you see:

Web services bundle: 580.25
Commission: 2,000.00
Your earnings: 8,000.00
Total: 10,580.25

THREE: Create a front-end

TwoPointZeroMostel gives you trendy design elements for you to make a site indistinguishable from thousands of others.

Gradients.
Shadows.
Reflections.
Rounded corners.
Rip-offs of the MSN figure.
Orange, green and purple.

Your site will be guaranteed to fail!

FOUR: PROFIT!!!

After a number of months (that can be set in the Control Panel) has elapsed, your start-up will automatically go out of business and you will be able to retire and enjoy your money.

Big houses.
Luxury cars.
Designer clothes.
Travels abroad.
Boats and private jets.
Expensive gadgets.

Are you ready for success? Sign up now.

Vincent

"A toolbox! The ability to make and use tools is a distinguishing feature of human beings. People usually don't think about it, but our entire technological civilization relies on things as simple as a hammer or a screwdriver."

"This is a good coffee! Did you know coffee is not only a delicious beverage, but a valuable commodity too? There are national economies that would collapse if their coffee crops were to fail The right way to brew coffee..."

"Where's Vincent?"

"He found a job in his line."

Vincent 2.0

"Internet is a veritable revolution, a bi-directional communication channel that helps you reach an audience of millions. Nowadays, the growing phenomenon of social networking..."

Contagion

"Huh? What do you mean you caught a flu from someone you were chatting with?"

"I was using Internet Explorer."

"Oh."

Brothers

"I'm sick of seeing you at that computer! Why don't you read a book like your brother does?

A mother’s authority

"But... mom...!"

"I don't want to hear any buts. You're neglecting your quests. From now on, you get only one hour offline a day."

Progress

Please wait

Your request for the web resource

http://www.youtube.com/

has been queued. Please allow 2-4 weeks for review and approval.

"On second thought, this state-run ISP was not such a good idea."

Principles Specs

"It works great, but... There are no 'Cancel' buttons anywhere."

"I don't program for wussies who chicken out at the last minute."