Quality control

Confessional

"Have you had impure thoughts, my child?"

"Oh, no, father. My thoughts have been pure lust."

Like animals

"Enough! Stop it! Stop having sex like animals! You're supposed to mate only to breed and perpetuate the species! AND THAT'S IT!

Priests

"Yes, worshipping gods other than Mambrutu is an abberration. But who am I to judge you if you feel that? What IS wrong is for you to insist upon an alleged 'right' to celebrate mass."

"Oh, Lord! Behold your martyr Church!"

Etymology

"I've got nothing against you people. I respect you a lot. But you shouldn't use the word ecclesiastical. Ecclesiastical comes from ecclesia, which was an assembly of Athenian citizens. You are not an assembly of Athenian citizens. Words have meaning."

Barrel

"Someone left the spigot open."

"Good heaven!"

THE POPE LAMENTED THE SPILLAGE OF BLOOD

Ecumenism

"There is no need to be Catholic to acknowledge me as ultimate authority and do as I say."

The people's pope

Resistance

"We must strongly oppose these attempts at establishing in the West a theocracy different from that which by rights ought to be established."

Je n’en ai pas besoin

"Maybe you have no need of that hypothesis, monsieur Laplace... But we do!

Homily

"Before God and his people I express my sorrow and humbly ask forgiveness for the sins and grave crimes of the church that we can no longer hide or deny without losing face."

Advance

Encomienda

"You are a slacker! A layabout! I will teach you to laze around when you should be working!"

"Stop! Why are you treating him like an animal? He is a man endowed with a soul! The same as you!"

"You're right. I'm sorry. I confess my fault and vow to mend my ways.

"Renounce idolatry and confess the faith of Christ! Do you want to burn in Hell! PAGAN!"

The meaning of life

"We don't exist by accident. Every one of the Lord's childres has been put upon the Earth with a purpose."

"What is mine?"

"To be your mother's punishment for having sex."

Product range

"Basic package."

"Here. Read the manual carefully."

"Premium, please."

"Which extras do you want?"

Hole

Francis!

It's Francis! Blessed representative of the Kingdom of Heaven who brings us the word of Jesus! Francis! Who fights against exclusion!

"Who am I to judge them?"

Who rises up to economic power! And who, disguised as Jorge, judgmental cardinal from a Latin American country...

"Gay marriage is a move by the devil."

... fights a never-ending battle for submission, irrational belief and the Catholic way!"

Laws

Serum

"We have accidentally developed this serum that can turn anyone permanently heterosexual."

"Really? Can I see?"

"Of course, there's the matter of whether it's ethical to change someone's sex orientation."

"Er... Oh, yeah... Leave the ethics to us. We are experts."

"It's made with cells from aborted fetuses."

"Oh, Lord! Why must you put us through these tests?"

Seal of authenticity

"Accept no substitutes! If it doesn't bear our seal, it's not love!"