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Nice Guy

"I created them out of love. I made a wonderful Eden for them to live in. I'm such a nice guy, yet they disobeyed me and left!"

"That was so long ago. Isn't it time you get ov—"

"Those bastards and their descendants will implore my forgiveness or burn in Hell."

Reward and punishment

"Welcome! Here the souls of the righteous spend eternity in the presence of God, singing their praises to Him forever!"

"I see... And what about the souls of the damned?"

"Same thing, except they don't get drugs to bear it."

Good news

"The good news is that's not a sin here."

"Oh!"

"The bad news is you were misled. It's not a sin on earth either."

"Oh?"

"The very bad news is you won't find any here."

"Oh."

Aiming

"Well? Have we hit San Francisco?"

"No. Earthquake in China."

"Will we ever be allowed to correct for the planet's rotation?"

"Correct? Are you suggesting that God could be wrong?"

The boss

"O, Lord! You have blessed me by bringing me to Your presence. Now, please, grant me an answer. Why do You, who are all-powerful, never manifest Yourself openly before men? Why do you always make your will known through prophets and portents?"

"Oh, it's quite simple. That way, if things go wrong... no one will be able to prove I was behind it all."

Heating

"What's the matter down there? We're freezing here!"

"The last shipment of damned souls has a low content of sin and doesn't burn well. Tell the boss to be less strict about all that 'leading not into temptation' business."

Eternal reward

"This is Heaven? A huge empty parking lot? I expected something else."

"It is a glorious place of gardens and palaces. It just happens to have the external attributes of a parking lot. How come everyone who comes here is so skeptical?"

Mercy

"Hooray! Everyone will see now what a good, merciful god I am."

"Wouldn't it have been more merciful to prevent the disaster from happening in the first place instead of allowing it to miraculously save a few lives?"

"Who would have seen that?"

Word of God

"Why did you think you needed material riches to worship me? Didn't I make gold and mud alike? Aren't they worth the same for being both my creation?"

"O, Eternal Father! Forgive this poor fool!"

"How could you build for me a temple of ordinary brick? Didn't I create precious materials for a reason? Don't I deserve the best you can give to me?"

"I'm sorry, Lord... I'm sorry..."

"Ha ha ha! I could spend the whole eternity like this."

"Must we postpone the end of the world again, boss?"

"Huh? Oh yes! I want at least a couple more generations of this."

On the seventh day

"Phew! All this hard work to make Earth... And we still have to build Paradise? Bah! Let's just ban those down there from doing anything they like, so whatever they find here will look better in comparison."

"Thy will be done."