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Creative writing

Nice Guy

"I created them out of love. I made a wonderful Eden for them to live in. I'm such a nice guy, yet they disobeyed me and left!"

"That was so long ago. Isn't it time you get ov—"

"Those bastards and their descendants will implore my forgiveness or burn in Hell."

Older and wiser

"Lord, more and more countries are passing laws against the natural order! Why don't you destroy them like Sodom and Gomorrah?"

"Oh, I was young and impulsive back then. I thought fire and brimstone would fix anything."

Aiming

"Well? Have we hit San Francisco?"

"No. Earthquake in China."

"Will we ever be allowed to correct for the planet's rotation?"

"Correct? Are you suggesting that God could be wrong?"

Heating

"What's the matter down there? We're freezing here!"

"The last shipment of damned souls has a low content of sin and doesn't burn well. Tell the boss to be less strict about all that 'leading not into temptation' business."

Conception

CONTAINS ONE SOUL

"How will we get it inside?"

"Hmmmm..."

Eternal reward

"This is Heaven? A huge empty parking lot? I expected something else."

"It is a glorious place of gardens and palaces. It just happens to have the external attributes of a parking lot. How come everyone who comes here is so skeptical?"

Mercy

"Hooray! Everyone will see now what a good, merciful god I am."

"Wouldn't it have been more merciful to prevent the disaster from happening in the first place instead of allowing it to miraculously save a few lives?"

"Who would have seen that?"

Protection

"Sir, considering how brutally you are being treated, the tech crew has devised this five-layered personal armor designed to stop blasphemies of any caliber."

Demands of respect
Counterarguments
Lawsuits
Pressure to lawmakers
Violence

"Excellent! Send the specifications down there immediately!"

Word of God

"Why did you think you needed material riches to worship me? Didn't I make gold and mud alike? Aren't they worth the same for being both my creation?"

"O, Eternal Father! Forgive this poor fool!"

"How could you build for me a temple of ordinary brick? Didn't I create precious materials for a reason? Don't I deserve the best you can give to me?"

"I'm sorry, Lord... I'm sorry..."

"Ha ha ha! I could spend the whole eternity like this."

"Must we postpone the end of the world again, boss?"

"Huh? Oh yes! I want at least a couple more generations of this."

Intelligent design

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name..."

"Thank you, Lord, for reminding us that you don't forsake us..."

"The visual recognition module needs some tweaking."

"Impossible. The project has already run over budget."

Transfer

"We're moving again? We are still getting used to this!"

"Sorry, folks, but the church says now that what you did is no longer a sin and there's nothing we can do about it."

On the seventh day

"Phew! All this hard work to make Earth... And we still have to build Paradise? Bah! Let's just ban those down there from doing anything they like, so whatever they find here will look better in comparison."

"Thy will be done."