Confession

"And those are my sins, father. What will my penance be?"

"No penance for you, my child. Your confession has been so memorable that your absolution is on the house this time."

A mother’s authority

"But... mom...!"

"I don't want to hear any buts. You're neglecting your quests. From now on, you get only one hour offline a day."

Science news

Tradition

"I am a traditionalist. I like as my ancestors did."

UFO

"It's been circling the place since early in the morning."

"What could they be doing here? Are they trying to tell us something with those complex maneuvers?"

"Any luck?"

"Nope. No open wi-fi around here. Let's try somewhere else."

The arrival

Credit where credit is due: this weapons-grade message of hope was "channeled" by Blossom Goodchild, who also predicted aliens would be arriving today. Well, there's still time.

"Know of this. We come to assist your world. We do not come to take over. We do not come to destruct. We come to give you hope.

"We are beings from other planets, who for many eons of your time have been preparing for these days. We are giving you the opportunity to capture on screen this particular ship. There shall be no contact in the form those of your planet would like. For this initial presentation we shall simply be presenting our ship to you.

"Until we can prove that we come in love, we shall not allow the fullness of our visit to be uncovered.

"Friends of the Earth. Do not be afraid. We beseech you to trust that we come to bring the downfall of those who have misintentions for the well being of your planet. If we do not intervene now, as has been planned for eons of your Earth time, then we fear it would be too late.

"We ask you to accept us in love. For that is why we come.

"Know of this. This is the beginning. Not the end. For indeed we come in peace. Fill your souls with trust in that knowledge.

"Be of joy. It is time for that. You shall know of this as your heart accepts the true reason for our visit. To bring you an understanding of love. Know of this."

"Alien Slaughter! Thousands dead from boredom by the invaders' broadcast."

Comments

FBI OnLine

CASE FILE # 5483217617

Crime
Murder

Victim
SCHMOE, Joseph L.

Perpetrator
Unknown

Details
Mr. Schmoe was murdered with multiple strokes of a cleaver while he was watching television. Witnesses reported having seen a tall male subject with a ski mask running away from the house at the time of the crime.

416 comments

WORST. CRIME. EVER.

This murder is idiotic. A cleaver? Come on! There are a hundred better ways to whack a dude.

O RLY? Well, if it's so easy, why don't you go out and murder someone yourself?

This person died because he failed to follow the instructions in this comment, AND NOW THAT YOU HAVE READ IT, THE SAME WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. Copy and paste this comment in three other case files, and you'll meet your true love. Otherwise, you'll find an untimely, gruesome death.

FIRST!!!!

On the seventh day

"Phew! All this hard work to make Earth... And we still have to build Paradise? Bah! Let's just ban those down there from doing anything they like, so whatever they find here will look better in comparison."

"Thy will be done."

CSI

"We found this glass slipper at the end of the stairs."

"Take it to the lab and have it checked for toeprints. And tell the boys to give it top priority. The prince wants this case solved as soon as possible."

CSI: Cinderella's Shoe Investigation