Presents

"What do you mean I was stealing the sled? That floozy fatso is always giving things away! That means he has already consented to anyone coming along and taking whatever they want! People will know about this false theft allegation!"

Cassocks

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Free market

"There's no reason why I should give you anything. If you want money, work for it."

"That's what the market sets for unqualified work. If you want to earn more, go to school."

"Education is a service like any other. If you want to learn, pay for it."

Churchill

"What the—?"

"Listen to me, Winston. I have come back in time to bring you a warning. Certain people will request an audience today. You must not grant it. They will call themselves anti-fascists, but in actuality they are fascists of the future trying to erase you from history."

Saints

"I have a cold and my throat is sore. I get headaches too."

"Two parts Saint Stephen, one part Saint Blaise and a pinch of Saint Pantaleon. Pray to it three times a day and come see me next week."

Father

"I loved my children! I was always seeing to their well-being. I kept telling then what to do, what to wear, who to go out with... But they never listened to me! I was patient and gave them plenty of chances... But, in the end, they left me with no choice but to throw them into the fire."

"A role model of a loving father."

Saint Thomas

Nothing can be its own cause, and an infinite regress of causes is not possible. Therefore, there must be a first uncaused cause which created the world in seven days and made man out of clay, but man sinned and fell from the uncaused cause's grace, so later it had to destroy its creation except for a family and a couple of every animal species, but this didn't work out either, so the uncaused cause had to incarnate itself as a man and die on a cross to redeem the world from sin, and even today the bread and the wine become the body and the blood of the uncaused cause so we can partake in its sacrifice.

Oh, and being gay is totally wrong. It just follows.

Injustice

Flea Snobbery presents: How to help maintain an unequal status quo while looking to be for equality in one simple step.

"[Underprivileged group] suffers prejudices and is often overlooked. Something should be done about that?"

"Why? Are you implying that [underprivilege group] is not able to make their lot better by their own means? Who is being prejudiced here?"

This was a public service announcement by Flea Snobbery.

Creativity

"We need a name and a logo that will convey the idea that we are creative."

"Something like this?"

WE ARE CREATIVE

"Uh... I don't think that transmits a lot of creativity..."

"How about now?"

WE ARE VERY CREATIVE

"You're fired."

Promises

Hello...

Testimonial

"Homeopathy has never proven to have any effect beyond placebo."

"You may think so, but it works for me."

"The economic model you favor tends to lower per capita income and raise poverty levels."

"You may think so, but it makes me richer."

Priesthood

"Will you people ever accept female priests?"

"Are you out of your mind? What if they treat men the same way we male priests treat women?"

Infalsifiable

"Nobody criticizes me. That means absolutely everyone supports me. I must be doing it right!"

"Some criticize me. That means I'm upsetting certain people. I must be doing it right!"

Enemikus

ENEMIKUS

Every ruler's best friend!

Close the ranks!

"Enemikus wants to do us apart to destroy us. It is time for us to stand together as never before!"

Scare the undecided!

"Sure, you can withhold your support. But that's what Enemikus wants! He's using you!"

Dismiss the criticism!

"Those are malicious, slanderous rumors started by Enemikus and I will not dignify them with a reply."

Shift the blame!

"Enemikus has never given up trying to sabotage my plan and make it fail. Sadly, he has succeeded."

RESULTS GUARANTEED!

Buy now and get 2 Enemikuses for the price of 1.

Warning: Using more than one Enemikus may cause generalized confusion about which one is supposed to be hated at any given time.

Bumblebee

"Look! A bumblebee! Did you know that, according to scalculations by scientists, bumblebees can't fly? Of course, since bumblebees don't know that, they just keep on flying happily."

"That is an urban legend. When you use the right aerodynamic approach, the bumblebee's flight is perfectly accounted for."

"Oh, so scientists say that bumblebees can fly. What geniuses they are! Will they figure out that water is wet next?"

"Get him, bumblebee! Get him!"

Product line

"... and this is for our new alternative line."

"I love it!"

100% marketing free!

Options

"Final results are in! The winner of this election is..."

"... the Striped Party."

"Yes! The polls have spoken! The people know what they want and are saying it loud and clear!"

"... the Checkered Party."

"This country is full of morons."

A different color

Origami

"How can anyone figure out that by folding papers in such convoluted ways you can give them the shape of animals and things? Aliens brought origami, didn't they, dad?"

Administration

"The country should be run like a company."

"Well said!"

"The country should be run by unelected bureaucrats who guide all work towards a common end and assign resources according to the necessities of each individual."

"COMMUNIST!"

Paradox

"The issue poses questions that can't be solved using conventional logic. For instance: what if someone went back in time and prevented himself from ever being born?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well?"

"Time travel is abortive."

"I see. We'll issue a press release condemning it as soon as possible."

Skepticism

"I am closed minded? You are the one who refuses to have your beliefs challenged. You only read things that reinforce your previous ideas. It'd do you well to check once in a while one of these skeptical blogs that...What the hell is this article? This is not what skepticism is supposed to be about! I'm so removing this blog from my favorites right now!"

Costamaranda

"This little island, along with its adjacent islets and the sea around them, is the Independent Republic of Costamaranda. Port Chifulca is its capital and only major city.

"This little known country will soon be featured in news reports around the world because of a bloody coup d'etat led by General Efigio Zamuldano. Of course, no one will know we are behind it.

"Under Zamuldano's regime, the citizens of Costamaranda will be forced to wear the left shoe on the right foot and vice versa. Parting one's hair will be punishable with imprisonment for life without trial. Whistling, wearing digital wristwatches and sanding wood before painting it will be crimes against the state. Newspapers will be barred from using open vowels on Tuesdays."

"This is madness! What will we get out from that?"

"A priceless political standard. We'll be able to run our countries in any way we like and claim that it's not a dictatorship as long as it's not like Costamaranda."

Breaking news

Occam

"I photographed this UFO in the countryside last night. It was like a fireball blazing in the sky."

"I see."

"What do you think? Is it a meteorite, or something else?"

"Well, Occam's Razor tells us we should always prefer the simplest explanation. So, which one is likelier? That a lump of space rock has been floating around for millions of years, avoiding all that time to hit other heavenly bodies, just to fall to earth at the right time and place for you to take a picture of it?"

"Hum... if you put it that way..."

Evangelism

"Good morning, brother! I'm bringing you the good news of God's Kingdom. This visit cannot be considered spam as long as we include the way to be removed."

Warning

"I am yourself from the future! I'm here to warn you: don't bother to travel back in time to give you warnings. You won't listen."

History

"This 20th century history book is full of atrocities committed by atheists like you."

"Today's paper is full of atrocities committed by clergymen."

Burqa

"I made a placard to protest how oppressive the burqa is."

"Oh! Can I see it?"

RESPECT MY RIGHT TO SEE HER IN SKIMPY CLOTHES

"By the way, you are oppressing me too."

The will of the people

"In today's plebiscite, 76.6% of the population supported the proposition to remove the right to vote from those who can't do it right."

"We'll finally have some order and civilization in this country."

"Consequently, a bill has been introduced to strip that 76.6% from their voting rights. Speedy approval is taken for granted, given the circumstances."

"WHAT?"

Pink tie

"No, we don't want them banned just because we don't like them. It's a matter of public safety. Those who wear pink ties are exposed to serious risks."

"Yeah? Give me an example."

"See? They are a real danger!"

Accusation

"Our beloved leader is being accused of things that are not true!"

"There is evidence."

"Our beloved leader is being accused of things that are not bad!"

Black hole

Consent

"I heard that you think that consent is very important in everything related to sex and reproduction."

"Of course! Consent is paramount."

"Good! In that case, to be consistent with yourself, you ought to help us fight sexual and reproductive practices the church does not consent to."

"Erm... I don't think you fully understand how this works."

Holistic

—Nothing in the universe is isolated. Everything is interrelated. A butterfly flaps its wings in Beijing and rains starts falling in New York. So it's you who are being fallacious when you say that your persona hygiene is unrelated to your doubts about my teachings. You gruddy skeptic.

Safe sex

"Sex outside of wedlock is against God's plan. It brings nothing but chaos to family and society."

"Buzz off, grandpa. Nobody listens to your backward opinions anymore."

"Only by getting married and remaining faithful can you practice safe sex. That's a scientific fact."

"Your cassock shows under the lab coat."

"No, it doesn't."

Marketing

"Yes, the production costs will go down, but who will want to but watered-down juice?" "The marketing and advertising department is working on that as we speak." FLAVORED WATER

Budget

Balls

"It's a known fact that a skillful ball player can make a ball follow a curved trajectory. This is an effect of air pressure. The lower the pressure, the harder this is to achieve.

"At a bigger scale, planets are balls that go on a curved path around the Sun. How is this possible? There's no air in space! Why don't planets stray from their orbits? The answer is obvious if we think about it: planets carry their own air. We call this "atmosphere."

Therefore, even though established science claims otherwise, every planet and moon must have an atmosphere. If they didn't, they'd drift away.

"And it's done! I have proven the scientific paradigm wrong and revolutionized astronomy. You can ask my secretary for my address to send the Nobel prize. Thank you."

Membership

"You have to join our movement! We work for peace, fight for social justice and lie down on the path of our leader forming a human carpet, lest his august feet touch the ground."

"Erm... No, I don't think so. I pass."

"Aha! So you don't care about peace and social justice, huh? Sociopath!"

Criminal

"There's nothing you can do! I injected myself with the blood serum of a diplomat! Now I've got immunity! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"You are under arrest for crimes against property, biology, semantics and common sense."

"Damn."

The experiment

This cartoon features cameos by the winners of Cook Jesus Day:  Silvia, Julio and Doctor Mapache (“Doctor Raccoon”).

"The opening mechanism will be activated as soon as we exit this room. The decay of a very small radioactive sample will determine whether the cage opens or remains closed. According to the Copenhagen interpretation, the raccoon will then be both free and locked at the same time. The free-raccoon will wander around and eventually make it to the kitchen, drawn in by the smell of the coffee and brownies we'll be having. But beware! What if the system collapses into a locked-raccoon state? Then the raccoon will have never made it to the kitchen for us to see it. The wave function won't have collapsed! PARADOX! Is that possible? There's only one way to know!"

"Were these budget figures necessary for that?"

"This experiment could change our understanding of the universe. We can't afford to skimp on quality of coffee and brownies.

Cook Jesus Day: The Aftermath

Cook Jesus Day has been celebrated with plenty of yummy recipes! There's a whole gallery at the Spanish version of the blog. Sadly, I have neither the time nor the resources to translate everything (especially the videos), so I apologize. But isn't cooking a universal language?

By the way, the winners are:

• Silvia Alba
• Doctor Mapache
• Julio Plaza

And with this, Flea Snobbery finishes nearly-unceremoniously its fourth year and takes a brief vacation. Updates will resume next Tuesday, July 24th. Thank you very much, and see you soon!

The body of Christ

The day has arrived! We are celebrating Cook Jesus Day along with Flea Snobbery's fourth anniversary. Don't forget to post your delicious blasphemy today to the Facebook page, or tweet it using the hashtag #CookJesusDay. And your likeness might end up immortalized in pixels by the author of this blog!

"Hoc est enim corpus meum!"

"I see your seminarist is still practicing. Can he make the flesh of Christ have the attributes of bread now?"

"Well, not exactly... but he can make the flesh to be cured and spiced, which is appreciated by the congregation."

Equality

"We bloxoidites have an egalitarian society. There is no oppression or slavery among us!"

"What about that one?"

"Huh? Oh, that's not a real bloxoidite. Real bloxoidites are green, you see."

Job offer

(I barely need to remind you about Cook Jesus Day next week, right?)
"Female architect wanted for studio. Minimum height: 5 feet 6 inches. Pretty face, fit body. Preferably blonde, blue eyes. Older than 27 need not apply." "That's awful!" "Indeed! I meet all their requirements, but they don't want me because of my gender! We men are discriminated against in this feminazi society, I tell you!"

Opinion

"Of course we have the authority to talk about marriage, family and sex! In fact, no one but us has it! Being external observers, only our opinion can be completely impartial and unbiased."

Cover story

NewsWorth EXPERT IN MANIPULATION A specialist accuses media of using biased headlines and images to influence the audience's opinion. Have her ideas about "dismissive quotation marks" any validity? What are the interests behind her talk of malicious innuendo? Her strange opinions about adjective use. Is she certifiably insane to say that claims are stated in question form to avoid liability? ALSO: How much she earns and why she says that's irrelevant.

Reptilians

"We're accused of dominating the world, of causing wars, of drinking blood... We're tired of being defamed! It's time for our voice to be heard!" "We don't disguise ourselves as humans to deceive anyone! We do it because we are afraid!" NO MORE ANTI-REPTILIANISM LIZARD PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO

Mating rituals

"But... if Urk not club female and drag her to cave, then how perpetuate species? Huh? Femisaur want species extinct! Femisaur oppress Urk!